WARNING: What you are about to read are the ramblings of a distraught mother who is fighting tooth & nail to defeat the hands of time... (did I mention that I also have a couple of "drinks" in me, so this should make for an interesting read in the morning). Today, my oldest son (a 14 year old, 8th grader, attending the same school since Pre-K) came home carrying what he considered a trophy of sorts.
A sign to display in our yard that should declare to all that pass by that we are the proud parents of a young man on the verge of completing 10 years at St. Bernard School. A young man who is anxiously awaiting the next step...duh, duh, DUUUUUHHHH... High School!
To say that I am not handling this milestone well, would be a HUGE understatement. For example, at the moment, it feels like someone has completely ripped my heart from my chest & I'm finding it a little difficult to even breath. Over reacting you say? I can understand how some of you may think so. Perhaps once I explain how ill prepared I was for this moment, you will understand the condition I currently find myself in. In order to give my argument justice, I must start at the beginning... November 1999: I was 23 years old, a wife for all of 2 years & only 6 months pregnant when I delivered our first born, a son, weighing 2lbs, 5oz and 14 inches long. Not only was he a miracle, but also an adventure from the minute he entered this world. Thirteen weeks in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit will make someone feel like they have almost earned the right to attach the initials M.D. at the end of the their name. Regardless of the accolades that I never received, the title I DID obtain was that of MOM. I was there every day in the NICU and I was home with him for the 3 months after he was released from the hospital before I had to return to the work force. The next two years found me with a full time job, then a hiatus to be a stay-at-home-mom once again before returning to work, at least part time for at least 3 more years. Finally landing a full time career at the school he was attending (my Alma matter) in the middle of his 1st grade year. Sadly, the next 6 years were sort of a blur because I became SO focused on my career that I seemingly forgot that I was there to make a living while being close to my most prized possessions... my children. Wow, what I wouldn't pay or sacrifice to have that time back. Admittedly, I lost focus on what mattered the most and too many years apparently just slipped by me. I AM grateful that I realized the err in my ways before it was too late & retired from my full time position in November of 2012 in order to fully dedicate myself to my family. Nevertheless, my early retirement does not restore those precious years that flew by while I burdened myself with deadlines and projects that were left incomplete by others. I realize that the hands of time would have dutifully moved forward regardless of my employment, but simply put... I'd like to have that time back. Hind sight is 20/20 and all that jazz, & I'd really appreciate a "do over" now that I know just how fast our children grow. There were so many words spoken that I'd like to take back and yet so many unspoken sentiments that I want to fill his ears with now. Remarkably, despite all of my regrets and misguided attempts to do "the right thing", our oldest has grown into an amazing human being. He is someone that I get to harbor for the next four years before I am forced to turn him loose into this wide world. It has been & will remain, an honor and privilege to call myself his parent. (Oh man, I REALLY hope that what I'm typing is making sense, because by now I'm sobbing so horribly that my eyes are almost swollen shut.) OK. Bottom line = Jackson, I thank the good Lord that He gave you to us. I have been blessed to be your Mom. I haven't always made the right decisions, but I did the best I could based on what I knew at the time. I hope one day you will understand that you are the being that created a mother where once only a girl stood. It won't ever matter how tall you are, how deep your voice becomes or how much hair grows all over your body... in my eyes you will forever be my little boy. The one I prayed for before you were ever conceived. The one I begged for while you were fighting for your survival and the one I continue to support and dream with until I take my last breath. I love you to the moon and back. You are exquisite and I wish I could keep you all to myself. The reason my heart breaks tonight, is the realization that you are quickly becoming your own amazing gift to the universe. I take solace in the fact that the world is a better place with you in it.
Clearly, it was an all around emotional evening for this momma hen who simply loves her baby chicks more than anything she could ever fathom. Honestly, the reality that they will leave this nest one day is frankly, a bitch... but I'll deal with THAT when I am forced to.
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